The Art of Asking.... and My Own Problems With Fear.

Anyone who knows me knows damn well Amanda Palmer is one of my favorite people out there that I only wish I could be friends with at this very moment. She is an extremely inspiring woman. Im proud of all her success and really hope that one day we could collaborate on a project or two... or three... ya get me.

So Im sure it will surprise you to learn that... I DIDNT BUY THIS BOOK. 

I have a problem. A huge problem. One that many people have. I am highly abused by FEAR. 

I saw her TED Talk. It was great, if you haven't seen it yet, omg for all that is Holy just check it here:

https://youtu.be/xMj_P_6H69g

Fear has been a constant abuser in my life. It has prevented me from doing, saying, asking, for anything. I have A LOT of people who tell me how strong I am and its such a sweet and helpful thing to say however every time I am told this, I know there are others who know this is NOT the case. 

I let a lot of people down due to my fears. More importantly, Ive let myself down waaayyyy more!

So while I did watch the ACTUAL Ted Talk and did find it inspiring, I didnt buy the book out of fear. 

I was scared that once I bought the book it would be a symbol to tell me "Ok Nat, you can't be scared anymore. You HAVE to ask for help. You HAVE to do whats in this book to better your life or else what was the point of wasting the money in purchasing it?"

So. I didnt. The cycle continues. Out of fear I don't do anything. I feel bad about it. I become depressed. I get into a funk. I get tired of being in a funk. I find inspiration and courage to do things. Some of it works, then some other obstacle or struggle gets in my way that requires courage and my fear stops me again. 

Im tired of living my life this way.

Ive made some changes. When it comes to dating (as my previous post has shown) I am no longer afraid to ask people out (at least online. Baby steps, people.) However dating is such a minuscule thing. Its not my focal point especially in the moment of my life I am in now. As much as I intend on dating more, I really am in the middle of a personal and family struggle that its the last thing on my mind.

Hence the reason I brought up "The Art of Asking".

I'm a caregiver and a nurturer. Those who know me know most of my time is taking care of others. From my mom to my uncle to my dear friends whenever I can. I either do my best to give them money when they need it, cook for them, be an ear, be whatever it is I can be. For me to ask for help,...

....it fucking sucks. It sucks on a whole bunch of levels. 

I don't feel like people should be expected to be there for you 24/7. Thats impossible even for me. 

When you take care of others, the downside is you feel like its one sided even though it ABSOLUTELY is NOT. At least not all of the time! The problem is you are so busy worrying about others you take yourself for granted and even the littlest feeling of a slight makes you feel like the most disrespected thing in the world. Like no one cares about you. Like you are just existing to help others and no one really gives a shit about your needs. 

The reality is, a lot of that isn't always true. I mean sure, there are people out there who do take advantage both consciously and subconsciously. However I am fully aware I am loved and worried about. I just don't feel it because I don't give myself the time to. 

The other problem is I hate asking people for anything to help me. When you are there for others its not the easiest thing to do. It should be! I mean hey, I help you, you help me. Seems simple enough. It doesnt always work that way though. Especially when those you help really aren't in the position to help back. 

Also we live in an extremely judgmental society. With things like GoFundeMe, Kickstarter, Indieagogo, people ask for donations and help a lot. Those who don't want to spend there money find these sites insulting and believe most people out there are lazy and should work harder to get their own money. The great thing about these sites is this.... YOU DONT HAVE TO DONATE SHIT IF YOU DONT WANT TO. Fucking move on with your life, scroll past, whatever. Say sorry can't help. Whatever. Don't be a dick about it. If you find it pathetic, thats your opinion. Others are willing to help so stfu!

Anyways...

Even when there are ways of asking for help like those sites its still a fear. A fear that I will be judged as a lazy person who doesnt want to work for her money even though I have my struggles and deal with a lot.  Being judged by strangers or acquaintances on places like FB or whatever isn't the fear. I have overcome that bs years ago. However those who know you, care about you, I don't want them to think I can't be there for them.   I don't want them to think Im not doing my best. 

I know I shouldnt care but fear is notorious for having a strong hold on people. Especially me. 

So, while money has been going ok the past few years. Due to issues that I won't go into because it will hurt people I love, its all gone. All of it. Add to the fact that I haven't been paid since August, we are broke. 

Now don't misunderstand, Im fine. We will be fine. I WILL get back on track even before Thanksgiving which is only a few weeks away. However at this moment. There is no food in my apartment. Both checking and savings are gone. (If I knew why, I would totally say however,... yeah lets not go there). Both my mother and myself went without dinner last night.  My bills need to be paid and I have nothing to pay for them.  I have been wiping the kitchen tables down with napkins cuz i ran out of paper towels. 

Its bad for the next two weeks. I dunno when my check is coming in the mail but I check all the time. Maybe I will be blessed and it finally shows up today and this can be all a bad dream! However my point in writing all of this is simple. 

I'm afraid. Im afraid to ask for help. Maybe people reading this will take this as me asking for help. Maybe it is. However I hate that I can't outright ask even though I have every fucking right to. 

Its embarrassing for me. It feels like being a mom and asking your 3 year old to help pay the bills.  Like you don't do that. I hate it. 

I should have bought Amanda's Book.  I hate the way I feel. I know it will pass and we all struggle but when you live with someone you care for and they are struggling and you just can't fix it. Its debilitating. It makes you cry. It makes you feel like a failure. Even though you know its a mix of things and not just on you. 

Don't worry guys I will post a more positive rant in a few days I promise.

Let's Talk About Tinder and Being a Plus Sized Woman, Shall We??

I said I would blog more and here I am!


So, at 40 years of age, its official. I am in fact, The 40 Year Old Virgin. Don't believe me? Check it!

Yes, I look like a special snowflake. Thanks to James Graham @JMG Photography 2015. 

Now, let's get something straight. Im 40. Im fucking adorable and YES I don't try to look ridiculous all the time.  I actually think Im pretty damn hot. See?

Thanks to my friend Stephanie Sacchi @Just Dreadful Photography 2013.

Now knowing these facts, yes there are times when I feel like Im a hideous monster. We are human beings. We know the reality of how we feel and what we look like when we just wake up in the morning, when we're drunk off our asses, and when we're sick as all hell. Yeah, we are not in prime condition 24/7. So of coursesometimes my self esteem is shot to shit. Its totally normal. 

Add to that the fact that media has waaaay too much power on getting us to like certain things and hate on others. From food, to cars, to people, to vacations, to you name it they will brainwash us into loving something or hating something. When it comes to our bodies they are dangerous! 

According to the media I am NOT what you are to find attractive. Oh hells no! You can not be overweight and happy. You can not find someone like me hot as hell and dream of having sex with me. Awesome clothing is not meant for someone like me to be worn. I am to be judged negatively, considered disgusting, and just not in your vision of beauty at all.

So, of course I do sometimes feel angry. I feel sad. Not because I don't think Im worth it. I get upset and depressed because YOU don't think Im worth it and I think you are pretty damn amazing! I have been conditioned to not ask people out. I have been scarred from past experiences. I have been conditioned to lower my expectations to what I don't want because I have no right to want what I WANT! I have been conditioned to think "Oh he/she will never want to go out with someone like me" or "Im not even in his/her radar so why bother?" 

If I ever DID bother it had been followed with things as simple as "aww sorry but i don't like you that way" to being laughed at in my face for ever thinking I had a shot. It has gone from people feeling creeped out by me to actually getting yelled at and becoming so intimidated the person ended up making me fall down a flight of stairs. He pushed me with his aggression and intimidation tactics. He told me if I ever let anyone know how I felt he would never talk to me again. After falling down the stairs I was gutted and so ashamed I abided because I didnt want to lose his friendship. I felt so pathetic. Thats high school for ya! 

In college a guy I had feelings for moved to England and I had his friends tease me and say he left to get away from me. I refused to ever put myself in the situation of asking someone out again. 

So yeah 40 years old and still a virgin. Am I embarrassed? No! I mean do I want to get rid of it? Hell yeah but after years of feeling bad about it, I just want to have fun with life instead of worrying about it. 

But yes, at 40 years old I decided, ok lets have that fun I was talking about!

So yes folks, I joined.... TINDER!!!

We'll let me tell all you mother fuckers out there some of what I learned:...

1. YOU CANT HIDE NOW! YOU PROVED IT! YOU ALL PROVED IT! YOU WANT ME. I AM ATTRACTIVE! I AM HOT! YOU WANNA FUCK THE HELL OUT OF ME! and as you should cuz Im so worth it....

2. You all live in fear. You are so terrified of what society will say to you should they know what you REALLY feel.

3. Tinder is such a great self esteem booster. All you gotta do is say yes or nope to a pic, if you say yes and that person said yes to your pic, THERES A MATCH!!! Men and women who society have deemed extremely attractive actually find me attractive too and even if I never plan on hooking up with these people, just knowing the truth. Just knowing that I am attractive to someone reminds me that Im right. The problem isn't me. The problem is all of you who are too scared to admit you don't care how fat I am. You still think Im beautiful. You just have an issue admitting what you really feel. 

I get it though. I really do. Media has too much power over our society. You are terrified because they deemed anyone who finds us attractive fetish seekers because its not "normal" to find someone who is overweight attractive. 

I have spoken to some on Tinder and yes, Im not an idiot. I know damn well most are on there for a fuck or two and no serious relationships. I don't care. If you want that interaction with me its still obvious you find me attractive. I haven't hooked up with anyone because guys, Im sorry, y'all have no game! Work on your flirting. You're dick is thinking for you too much in those moments. As for the ladies, ok seriously what the fuck is wrong with you?!?!? Come on! TALK DAMMIT!! How are we supposed to meet and get together if all you do is "like" me but there is no fucking follow through on your part. We ladies have to at least not play hard to get with each other! Im making the first step of talking. You all don't respond. Get over yourselves. Im not wasting my damn TIME!!!......

....anyways....

So now at 40 years of age, Im getting my bravery back. 

Any of you out there, who feel like you aren't worthy! Stop! You are! There are loads of people who do want you. Remind yourself, YOU aren't the one with the problem. THEY are. 

You all who won't ask me out or admit to wanting to date me in real life (i.e. outside of fucking Tinder) You need to work on your bravery. I am. I know Im worthy of your love and attention. Its a fucking shame you are missing out on that because of your own personal issues on that. Im a fucking great person! I cherish my friends and care about them. If I am an awesome cook. I am talented. I am so much that you would enjoy! Recognize!

Just Dreadful Photography 2013

I'M BACK BABIESSSS!!!!!!

Whew! How long has it been? A year, year and a half?



Who cares?? Im back.


I have a lot to say. I will be doing my best to post regularly.

I have a lot on my mind and I need to express it.

I just got a gig blogging for Volup2.com! I will be interviewing someone once a week and check in here to find out who Im interviewing this coming week.


I actually should get off the computer and get ready for work but I felt compelled to let you all know to check in!

I will be very honest. I will be talking about:

New Projects
Rants
Personal stuff
Rants
Some video blogs
Did I mention rants?

I can be a whiny bitch of a drama queen, and DAMN PROUD MUTHAFUCKAS!!

Im ready to be ogled, judged, and respond accordingly!


Booyah!

Celebrity....

It is my goal in life to be a successful entertainer. Be it an actress, musician, screenwriter, you name it I want to be involved in the artistry.

And yes, why lie? Part of the reason for this drive isn't just the hope that what I express to the world motivates change, happiness, or just makes someone feel SOMETHING. It's also the hope to make some good money and get some recognition. I can own that and admit yes, I want to be famous.

I watched the Grammy Awards last night with my best friend and artist cohort, Jay Sharp. Hung out at his place, ordered some Italian food, watched the show, and came up with live tweets the entire time. It was fun.

Look, to sit there and deny that we don't judge others is ridiculous and hypocritical. Hell, we are all hypocrites whether you are willing to admit to it or not. We are all flawed creatures, its what makes us human.

Yeah I know "Whoa Natalia, where did THAT come from?" I'll explain.

So while watching we were posting tweets in regards to clothing and how celebs looked and sounded. Pharrell's hat choices, Taylor Swift's dancing, Lorde's awkwardness, some horrible singing. We also were digging some awesome stuff that happened that night. Loved the Pink Circus act. Dug Daft Punk. Its a fun show to watch even though when it comes to recognizing musicians and their hard work, its fucking bullshit. I don't watch this show to see who is well deserving of an award because its not a fair representation and I don't support that. I watch to see artists collaborate, great showmanship, awesome stage productions, and yes admittedly, train wrecks here and there. I am guilty.

All in all however it is done with fun intentions.

However, cut to the next day, hell, a few hours, and there is soooo much shit talking.

I get it, celebrities get shit on all the time. I have my faves who I support and those who I think are a waste of time. I route for some and could care less about the others. However I don't get some of the shit a few celebs got last night.

Look, I post and blog and status update about celebs like Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift once in a blue and yeah I do call them out on their bullshit. I mainly do it though because its one thing if I dont like their music or just how they come off on screen but I feel compelled to bitch when I see them do things that actually reflect poorly on society and hurt other people. In particular, their actual fans who look up to them because they are young usually.

I don't approve of someone like Justin Bieber getting away with shit when in fact he has made no apologies for his antics which whether you believe he's just a young guy acting wild or not he's still hurt other people. Spitting on fans that are really young, showing up hours late to shows on a school night, breaking people's property, disturbing the peace. If it was just his own life he was fucking up, I wouldn't complain but he's messing with other people and I fucking hate that.

I have no problem with Miley for the most part despite not being a fan of her music ( I do like that Wrecking Ball song though I won't lie, its in my head as I type) however my beef has to do with how she reacted to Sinead O'Connor's letter to her. I get being upset and thinking she should mind her own business but that's what she should have just said to her instead of blast her on twitter and mock her struggles with mental illness. Bipolar disorder and depression are more common than you think. I'm sure many of her fans battle with it on a daily basis and to sit there and rip someone on THAT instead of a "Please mind your damn business" was really hurtful and uncalled for. You've been in the business and have a relationship with scandal as long as Miley has you should know better than pull that shit.

Taylor Swift I have a small issue with.  I think she's beautiful, I think she's talented, and I actually think that she is genuinely a very nice person. I really feel thats true. I just think that she is letting young women believe that you cant be anyone without a man in your life and that is not the message anyone should be expressing. That's actually my only issue. She wants to dance like a weirdo at the Grammy's I will still look at her with a side eye but I approve and think she has the God given right to dance it away even though I kept on screaming at the screen "Taylor! Stop it! People are staring at you!" LOL.

So look those things I have an issue with promote negativity. Thats basically my problem. So I do my best not to trash talk but when I do, its shit like that. So what pissed me off last night and today?

Macklemore and Lorde getting shit on.

They've been shit on for a while now. Now, I actually get some of it. I do. If they rub you the wrong way and you just don't like them for some of the things they did, I get it. I respect it. However people have been trashing them both for things I am appalled at. Mainly because people who are trashing them are people who claim they wish there was more tolerance in the world.

Macklemore gets picked on for writing a song about Same Love and supports the LGBT community. He's a straight white guy writing raps songs about positive shit. Yet thats EXACTLY what he's getting shit on about by people who support that subject!

Here's the thing. I'm not a fan of the music. I don't think he's all that great. Just my opinion. Plus before he got all famous some old tweets popped up where he was actually NOT very supportive of the gay community and would say some derogatory things. People grow and they learn so perhaps thats the case and if it is, good for him. Maybe he's a fucking sell out and is only doing this so he can become famous. That's unfortunate but WHO CARES??? He wrote a song that promotes the community. Is it perfect? No, he's a straight guy who doesn't really know wtf he's talking about but he at least is trying. People are also giving him shit because of the line in the song "If I were gay I would think hip hop hates me". I'm sorry but as a bisexual woman I have heard some hip hop in my life that hasn't been to respectful of the LGBT community. I also tutor high school students and many who listen to hip hop also have negative thoughts on the LGBT community. My students who are gay have expressed fear of letting their peers know they are gay because of references in hip hop music. Yes there are hip hop artists who are gay and the hip hop community has in fact grown way more accepting but don't deny there was a time where it was frowned upon to be gay in hip hop because the proof is in the lyrics. I can't even begin but the fact that there is a website to showcase those lyrics should be proof that it was prevalent. http://hiphophomophobia.tumblr.com/

So yeah maybe he is doing this for his own fame. Why can't you just think "Meh, a dude who wrote a song that promoted same sex relationships. Thats cool" and go about your business. I dunno I just think its a waste of time and effort to be mad at him for that. He's not hurting anyone and its a positive message. He's legitimately just trying to show positivity and instead of just accepting that he's getting shit on for it. Like he's a supporter. That's a good thing. Why are you trying to make him out to be the Devil Incarnate?

As for Lorde, I heard she talked a little smack about Miley or whoever so I can understand if people don't like her for that but that's not at ALL what I'm hearing about. All I hear is people making fun of her face, her complexion, her persona on stage, her awkwardness. SHES FUCKING 17 years old!! She just won a bunch of Grammy awards and she came from nowhere! I actually like her music but I am not a fan of that Royals song. Meh. Not my thing. I can take her or leave her. How many celebrities are out there that dress odd, provocatively, act wild and crazy, go out of their way to make a spectacle of themselves and there is Lorde, in a white shirt and pants performing at the Grammys. Then pulling the Morticia Adams look in a long black dress with long sleeves, long hair, dark lipstick. You know, because the goth look was NEVER worn by ANYONE in the music industry EVER. Seriously? She deserves that bullshit?

You don't have to like these people I'm not saying you should. I am just making the point that there are other celebrities out there who are being bad and negative examples and yet people are spending their time hating on people that are NOT doing that. Lorde's boyfriend was also getting attacked online because he's a nerdy little Asian boy who is dating her. It's been stuff focused on his nerdiness to his race, to the fact that he's with Lorde. He's not even a celebrity but he's getting attacked for existing its just absolutely ridiculous and needs to stop.

There is so much going on in the world that is way more important. It just seems to me that more and more people are seeking out reasons to dislike someone enough to trash talk them. Why are we doing that? Yes I include myself. I have to stop. We all do. It's not important. Put your focus on yourself and make yourself happy. Condemn those who hurt others if you must but if someone is just doing what they do and its actually a positive. Whether you find it stupid or not, leave them alone and just go about your business.

I know that when the time comes for me to be famous I am going to have to deal with the hate but guess what? I'm learning by example and I am seeing what to expect.

This world has a lot of great stuff in it. Seek it out and focus on the good instead of attacking others who are actually trying to get to the same thing. That should be OUR mantra.

And yeah her complexion isn't great. She's 17 years old. How many teenagers had flawless skin growing up. Well... me actually but still most didn't so stop picking on her for that. It's normal!

Dirty Little Secret

I was going to direct this to only men but there is truly no sense since both men and women have done this and it needs to stop.

I don't go onto my Ok Cupid profile very often. I just find online dating hard and disappointing. I also get creeped out by people fairly easy.

However I do get lonely and feel the need to check in just to see if maybe one day there is a chance my dream romance will come about. I need to stop expecting that because I always am let down.

Today (tonight rather) I checked in and despite the fact that I had changed my profile to woman seeking woman, (I'm bisexual and became wary of searching for men on that site) I still had some messages from men. The normal "hey babe wanna meet?" and "hi wut up ma?" and then one that I have had before in one, way, shape, or form that set me off.

"Hey there, you would be an awesome dirty little secret".


So I have a message to anyone who thinks that's ok: It's NOT!

I am so tired of people pretending that they are NOT attracted to plus sized women. You are full of shit.  If you are willing to fuck us and enjoy yourself and get your pleasure from riding us then you are attracted to us. If you are attracted to us, if you get a rise or turned on by us, if we are capable of making you and/or any portion of your body "Happy" then we are worthy of being on your arm. We are worthy of being treated with respect and like a human being. You should be proud to have me because I am worthy and I am fabulous and you want me.

I am not a secret. I am NOT a fetish. I am NOT something you need to hide from anyone. I am tired of being made to feel like I shouldn't be loved or treated with respect.

It's time people acknowledge how they feel and not be ashamed of who they are attracted to. To deem me "Dirty Little Secret" is the biggest insult to hurl at me or anyone else who you feel is deserving of that title.

Dirty means unclean. Therefore you see me as something that you have decided is vile yet you want to have.

Little means small. You feel that to treat me as something you need to hide is dismissive and not a big deal. You think my feelings are not worthy of worrying about and I am not important enough to take into consideration. I am just a thing.

Secret means no one will know. I must be hidden and therefore no one can know about me.

None of that is positive and good. None of that is something anyone should want to be.

Society has brainwashed you all to think that its not ok to find plus sized women attractive. That something is wrong with you. You have the right to be happy and if you find someone like me attractive then guess what? You should be proud of that and be proud to be with me. If not, you don't deserve me.

Men have told me countless times that they find me attractive but didn't want to be seen with me. I found out after graduating high school a few guys who I had actually admitted my affections to told me that they were attracted to me but didn't want to say anything because they didn't want to be humiliated in school. I know some people now who I think would totally get with me but won't because they are too scared to deal with what society would say. It's affected the way I think as well. There are men out there who I find insanely attractive yet I don't even bother approaching because I see them and I see me and while I know Im fabulous I know people would look at us and be like "wha? no thats not right". That evil thought of "why would he (or she) be with me when they could be with someone who is hotter and thinner?"

"CUZ IM FABULOUS THATS WHY!!!"

I have taught myself to stop thinking that way so should you!

Women do this too except they tend to string it along more and lie. I will talk to someone and feel a connection and then be told they feel it too and the moment it becomes real, meaning, the moment I actually want to set up a meet up I get a huge song and dance as to why they cant and then never hear from them again.

Just stop and be bold! If you truly have a problem being seen with someone like me guess what? Its YOUR problem that YOU need to get sorted out. Its YOUR self esteem that needs to be fixed. Sound odd? I'll explain...

If you are worried about being ridiculed and can't be proud of being involved with someone YOU like because you feel you will be judged, your concern is how YOU will handle it. I know what I look like and while I do want to lose weight for health reasons, I still think I'm hot and worthy. My self esteem may get knocked around sometimes but I know I am still worthy of love and respect.

Yes, society will mock you. Why? Because most of society believes its wrong but its not. Change that. Just be honest with your feelings and be proud of who you are with. They deserve to be on your arm in public and introduced as the person you are happy to be with. If they don't like it guess what? Its not THEIR problem because its who makes YOU happy not them. Its none of their business.

Everyone has self esteem that they want to protect. However that doesn't mean that someone else has to suffer the insult of being hidden and your "Dirty Little Secret" because YOU'RE scared of what other people will think.

And to the women (and men) out there who allow themselves to be the "Dirty Little Secret". You are worth so much more than that and if you think its ok what you are basically telling the person who has given you that title is that you are not worth the respect and love you want.

This is me, being fabulous. Thanks to Stephanie Sacchi of Just Dreadful Photography for the pic.

Dad....

So as many people know, my dad passed away in 2013. I found out about it the day before Thanksgiving. At this point I don't think I will ever really come to terms with it properly. I'm not sure I have the closure people believe someone would have when losing a father but so many factors in my relationship with my dad are making it difficult to grieve the way life and society have taught me.

I wasn't raised by my dad. He disappeared from my life when I was 3 years old. I grew up with the shadows of his legacy. There were so many stories told by my mom, my uncle, my grandmother, my own head... curiously nothing from his side of the family. As soon as he was gone, so were they. Never heard from them.  I remember mom calling numbers she had for them and getting nothing. Crying on the phone because it frightened her. How not only he was gone but so was everyone else. She was so confused and scared all the time. She had my uncle and grandmother but they lived so far from us she was all alone and felt it. She was taken from her native Puerto Rico to the US mainland by the man she married and now she was stuck in NewYork with two family members who were not the most emotionally supportive people in the world. It was like once he disappeared all record of him existing left with him. After a while, we thought he was dead.

Mom would always tell me stories about how great a dad he was. She made sure he was very glamorized to me. I had visions of this great, dashing, strong man who was perfect.  After 10 years of him missing, trying to contact the Navy and them turning her away. She went through the process of declaring him dead. It didnt go through and we never knew why. Mom would get letters from my dad all the time before he disappeared. She kept all of them for a very long time. I remember reading some of them in my teens. Dad would talk about his work in the Navy. Missions and things of that sort. He mentioned Russian ships a lot. I have a very imaginative brain and I get this from both my dad AND my mom. After the last letter she received discussed a mysterious Russian Vessel, mom believed he was kidnapped and/or killed by Russian spies. I'm not even kidding. Being a child, I began to believe that as well. I mean why else would such a great man not be with his daughter and wife that he loved so much?

In perhaps 2002/3 when I was doing sketch comedy, we actually recorded a moment with this psychic called Tristan. I got a reading. I asked if my dad was still alive. He said "No hun, but you knew that." I nodded my head in agreement but I really didnt. I thought to myself "Bitch, I wouldnt have asked if I did!" His entire reading of me pissed me off. "You are not meant to be an entertainer I see you as a nurse."The dad thing though bugged me the most. He would say things like, "hes in the room" and some random woman in the room went "Omg I just felt him!" I felt so sick. It all felt wrong.

Cut to a few months later. I come home to my mom on the phone. She puts the phone to me and I ask who it is. "Its your father". It didnt process. I took the phone like a zombie. I ended up on the phone with my dad for over an hour. I found my dad. Or rather, he found me. Initially it was the happiest moment in my life. My dad was alive. Wait! My DAD is ALIVE?!?!?! WTF?? That Tristan mother fucker is a sham!!! How dare he make me believe he was dead!


People are human and therefore not perfect. At the point he came into my life I still had the legends in my head and (luckily) convinced myself that I shouldn't hold him on a pedestal. To avoid disappointment I tried to banish these unrealistic expectations. I won't go into detail, but basically he was flawed as we all are. I love him and I'm glad he came back into my life but I learned that things happen for a reason. I learned to be happy for the life I had without him otherwise I would have become a different person. I also found out that he loved me still, which was what I always had hoped. Learning this was the best gift ever - Something I had always wished I had growing up. Another pleasant shock was learning that I had a little sister named Erica.

Since reuniting that day on the phone I had my question of why answered. My dad left because he felt like he wasn't wanted. He felt that mom didn't really love him. I suspect that he really didn't know much about my mom - Not ever really understanding why she was the way she was. It didn't help that my grandmother and uncle pushed him away as well. He was never accepted by them while the rest of mom's family loved him. According to my grandfather (on my dad's side) his family was ashamed he left us and that's why they didn't contact us. He said they felt like it wasn't their place to get involved. In retrospect, they felt like they let us down. I am happy that I got to speak to my granddad on the phone a few times before he passed a few years ago.

It was August of this year when I finally was able to go down to Houston to visit him. I knew he had been sick for years and there had been this sense of urgency to see him before its too late. Recently he had become very ill. It had always been an issue for me to go down because of my broke ass and more recently, my mothers' health. This last August I finally made it.

Most of my stay down in Houston was at Erica's home but I spent one night at his place so we could talk in private. I found out a lot about his leaving and what he did while he was gone. I reassured him about mom. He was relieved to know that she did love him after all. I got to talk about things I haven't even told my mom yet. He still loved me, too. Sure he was a Bush lovin', hunter diggin', Harley drivin' guy but I love that he loved everybody.

My dad supported everyone and thought people should be who they are and be damn proud of themselves. He loved cool music too. He had a black and white painting of Roy Orbison on his wall. "Do you like that?" he asked.
"Yeah thats awesome" I replied.
"Do you know who that is?"
"Yeah its Roy Orbison it's so cool!"
"Well you can't have it!" He laughed.

Now I do.

I left his apartment and felt this sense of "Ok I did it and it was awesome". I felt closure when I was there. I didn't know that it was the last time I would ever see him.

He was sick but he had seemed a lot better than what I was told. I was sure he was putting up a front. He still smoked even with his oxygen tank! He told me "Look, I have been smoking since I was 9 years old. If I quit it would probably kill me and I'm not going anywhere!"

That's why I didn't think it was the last time I would see him. He was talking about seeing his family and traveling. While I knew he was too sick for that, I did believe he would try.

My sister spoke about her (eventual) wedding and I know she envisioned him being there. This wasn't supposed to happen now.

It was a Wednesday night. The night before Thanksgiving. Erica had just posted a Facebook status about baking. Not even 20 minutes later she phoned me crying. The cops had come to the house. They told her dad was gone. She hadn't heard from him in a week. I think the plan was for her to pick him up the next day and spend Thanksgiving with her and Dan at their house. She's a therapist and she's a very busy woman yet she is the one who takes care of him and her mom, Carole. Not to mention she had been planning and cooking and prepping all week so it had been hard for her to contact him. I religiously had problems contacting dad since he rarely heard his phone. I tried calling him the week before and was unable to reach him. It was normal. Im sure she did the same. The medical examiner said he was probably dead for a day-and-a-half to two days. He more than likely died in his sleep.

Erica was crushed. She felt responsible. I knew she would but Dear God NO. She was his savior and did so much for him. I actually think that he timed it. He made sure it happened while Erica was busy and yet early enough in the day that his neighbors would notice when they didn't hear or see from him. That way, they would call the police (sparing Erica having to find him the next day). He wouldn't have wanted her to find him like that;  Especially on Thanksgiving. She told me this and all I could think of was her. It's who I still think of. I'm not there. The thing is, I don't feel like I should be. I feel guilty for thinking that but I feel like it's what I need to do.

Once I found out dad was gone I didn't know how to feel. Of course I was heartbroken to find out. I wasn't raised by him but he was my dad! I didn't want him to be go so soon after being found. However, there was always this constant feeling that it was going to happen so while still a shock, it never hit as hard as it should have. From the moment I heard the news, I had this constant voice in my head: his. Asking me to check to see if his name was still there...

Before moving to Long Island we lived in Brooklyn Heights. It wasn't as posh as it is now but back in the day when they were putting cement down on The Promenade, dad etched his name in with a key. First he put our initials in the cement in one portion. "RM + EM + NM". In another portion he just put his name "Bobby".  The last time I was there, the initials were gone. Bobby was still there though. I hadn't been there in a long while.  The voice kept on telling me "Check to see if my name is still there".

So after work on a freezing-ass day I went to Brooklyn. It just wasn't the same. A lot of the restaurants and places were now just memories. I got to The Promenade. I proceeded to walk from one end all the way to the other with my head down just looking at the ground.

All the cement was replaced with slate rock. It looks "nicer" than cement but it break easy and it's messy. There was no graffiti. Nothing. 98% of the cement was gone. I lifted my head up and looked around. The broken docks down by the expressway were renovated and had games and stuff for tourists. My dad worked at the Navy Yards. He would man the tugboats that would tug the huge ships in the East River and the Hudson. At one point we lived on one of the boats. It's where I learned to walk which fucking explains a lot. (I fall all the time) My view has been altered now. Then I looked to my right along the Promenade. The backs of all the brownstones are all visible. You would see the back patios and it was always so beautiful. There was one that I would always look for. The most beautiful one. It was yellow and black, with beautiful flowers and a female bust in porch portion. A black, iron-looking rocking chair. You could tell a very elegant old woman lived there. I never saw her but that's who I always imagined living there. A woman reminiscent of Miss Havisham in Great Expectations. I found the home. It was disheveled. No flowers. The bust was gone. The aluminum roof of the porch was damaged. It looked abandoned which I'm sure it isn't but it was clear the damage was storm related. Probably the work of Hurricane Sandy. It broke me. It fucking broke me bad.

I felt like not only my dad was gone but so were my memories of Brooklyn Heights and the Promenade. Even though my Miss Havisham had only existed in my mind, she was dead too and her home was reflective of that. I turned around and just sat on one of the benches and began crying so hard. I cried tears of guilt because I knew those tears belonged to my dad but they were for so much else.

I needed a tissue. I knew people were kinda looking at me. I wasn't wailing or anything but I could tell people had seen me crying. I was trying to get a tissue out of my purse but it was so cold that my hands stiffened up and I was having difficulties. This woman came up to me and gave me a tissue. I was about to politely decline, but I just took it. She sat next to me and asked if I was OK. I tried be brave and pretended to be fine.

"Oh yeah I'm fine I will be fine I'm just..."  I couldn't even finish. I had no words I wanted to say as I didn't want to ramble to a total stranger. I didn't think it was any of her business and I didn't want look ridiculous. I guess it was too late.

She was this thin, mousy, middle-aged (I dunno she looked like she was maybe 60, that's not really that old). She wore a strong perfume but it wasn't gross as one would imagine. It smelled nice.
"You don't look that fine, just one of those days? Overwhelmed?"

I proceeded to calmly tell her that my dad died, I was looking for his name, saw everything had changed, blah blah blah. I basically told her everything without going on and on and just stated the facts. I was actually able to compose myself once I got it out.

"Isn't the slate terrible? Ugh I hate it and I know what you mean this area is just changing and they think it looks pretty and it is improving the area but its just so boring and uninteresting! I miss my Brooklyn Heights too. Trust me hun, you have every reason to cry. I guess I don't 'cause I've been seeing it happen daily for over 30 years. I suppose it softened the blow for me."

We talked some more and she said something that hit me. I wish I could remember it word-for-word but she basically said if everything stayed the way you thought it was supposed to be in your head, no one would search for anything to make them happier. We are supposed to make ourselves happy and not expect it to just remain. She then told me she was moving to Egypt when she retired. I was impressed.

I also figured something else out. To me, dad's name being gone. Everything I held onto when it centered around my memories of dad and Brooklyn were gone. This was his way of saying goodbye. Keep him in my heart and no where else.  He's not a name in cement. He's not in a town in Brooklyn. He's not in the Navy Yard. Hes with me all the time. Mushy? Yeah, most definitely. It's true as hell though. I can put him wherever I want him to be. In a song. In a picture. In my love for my sister.

I don't need to go to Texas for my closure. That service my sister is having for him is for closure between her and dad. They had more of a relationship than I ever did. My relationship with him and my memories are with me in my heart and with Brooklyn.

Maybe when it gets warmer I will bring a few friends and family members to come with me to the Promenade. We could give him his proper New York send off. Nothing major, just a few words of goodbye and then some good food and joy. I remember my dads laugh, and him being a nice guy. I think he would like that.

I will miss him. I do now. I cried a little while writing this. I'm sure I will again but its a new year. It's now 2014. Dad, if you see this. Hug me all year. Give me strength. Give Erica strength and love. Give her comfort. We all love you and wish you were still here.