So, at 40 years of age, its official. I am in fact, The 40 Year Old Virgin. Don't believe me? Check it!
Yes, I look like a special snowflake. Thanks to James Graham @JMG Photography 2015.
Now, let's get something straight. Im 40. Im fucking adorable and YES I don't try to look ridiculous all the time. I actually think Im pretty damn hot. See?
Thanks to my friend Stephanie Sacchi @Just Dreadful Photography 2013.
Now knowing these facts, yes there are times when I feel like Im a hideous monster. We are human beings. We know the reality of how we feel and what we look like when we just wake up in the morning, when we're drunk off our asses, and when we're sick as all hell. Yeah, we are not in prime condition 24/7. So of coursesometimes my self esteem is shot to shit. Its totally normal.
Add to that the fact that media has waaaay too much power on getting us to like certain things and hate on others. From food, to cars, to people, to vacations, to you name it they will brainwash us into loving something or hating something. When it comes to our bodies they are dangerous!
According to the media I am NOT what you are to find attractive. Oh hells no! You can not be overweight and happy. You can not find someone like me hot as hell and dream of having sex with me. Awesome clothing is not meant for someone like me to be worn. I am to be judged negatively, considered disgusting, and just not in your vision of beauty at all.
So, of course I do sometimes feel angry. I feel sad. Not because I don't think Im worth it. I get upset and depressed because YOU don't think Im worth it and I think you are pretty damn amazing! I have been conditioned to not ask people out. I have been scarred from past experiences. I have been conditioned to lower my expectations to what I don't want because I have no right to want what I WANT! I have been conditioned to think "Oh he/she will never want to go out with someone like me" or "Im not even in his/her radar so why bother?"
If I ever DID bother it had been followed with things as simple as "aww sorry but i don't like you that way" to being laughed at in my face for ever thinking I had a shot. It has gone from people feeling creeped out by me to actually getting yelled at and becoming so intimidated the person ended up making me fall down a flight of stairs. He pushed me with his aggression and intimidation tactics. He told me if I ever let anyone know how I felt he would never talk to me again. After falling down the stairs I was gutted and so ashamed I abided because I didnt want to lose his friendship. I felt so pathetic. Thats high school for ya!
In college a guy I had feelings for moved to England and I had his friends tease me and say he left to get away from me. I refused to ever put myself in the situation of asking someone out again.
So yeah 40 years old and still a virgin. Am I embarrassed? No! I mean do I want to get rid of it? Hell yeah but after years of feeling bad about it, I just want to have fun with life instead of worrying about it.
But yes, at 40 years old I decided, ok lets have that fun I was talking about!
So yes folks, I joined.... TINDER!!!
We'll let me tell all you mother fuckers out there some of what I learned:...
1. YOU CANT HIDE NOW! YOU PROVED IT! YOU ALL PROVED IT! YOU WANT ME. I AM ATTRACTIVE! I AM HOT! YOU WANNA FUCK THE HELL OUT OF ME! and as you should cuz Im so worth it....
2. You all live in fear. You are so terrified of what society will say to you should they know what you REALLY feel.
3. Tinder is such a great self esteem booster. All you gotta do is say yes or nope to a pic, if you say yes and that person said yes to your pic, THERES A MATCH!!! Men and women who society have deemed extremely attractive actually find me attractive too and even if I never plan on hooking up with these people, just knowing the truth. Just knowing that I am attractive to someone reminds me that Im right. The problem isn't me. The problem is all of you who are too scared to admit you don't care how fat I am. You still think Im beautiful. You just have an issue admitting what you really feel.
I get it though. I really do. Media has too much power over our society. You are terrified because they deemed anyone who finds us attractive fetish seekers because its not "normal" to find someone who is overweight attractive.
I have spoken to some on Tinder and yes, Im not an idiot. I know damn well most are on there for a fuck or two and no serious relationships. I don't care. If you want that interaction with me its still obvious you find me attractive. I haven't hooked up with anyone because guys, Im sorry, y'all have no game! Work on your flirting. You're dick is thinking for you too much in those moments. As for the ladies, ok seriously what the fuck is wrong with you?!?!? Come on! TALK DAMMIT!! How are we supposed to meet and get together if all you do is "like" me but there is no fucking follow through on your part. We ladies have to at least not play hard to get with each other! Im making the first step of talking. You all don't respond. Get over yourselves. Im not wasting my damn TIME!!!......
....anyways....
So now at 40 years of age, Im getting my bravery back.
Any of you out there, who feel like you aren't worthy! Stop! You are! There are loads of people who do want you. Remind yourself, YOU aren't the one with the problem. THEY are.
You all who won't ask me out or admit to wanting to date me in real life (i.e. outside of fucking Tinder) You need to work on your bravery. I am. I know Im worthy of your love and attention. Its a fucking shame you are missing out on that because of your own personal issues on that. Im a fucking great person! I cherish my friends and care about them. If I am an awesome cook. I am talented. I am so much that you would enjoy! Recognize!
Just Dreadful Photography 2013
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