The Art of Asking.... and My Own Problems With Fear.

Anyone who knows me knows damn well Amanda Palmer is one of my favorite people out there that I only wish I could be friends with at this very moment. She is an extremely inspiring woman. Im proud of all her success and really hope that one day we could collaborate on a project or two... or three... ya get me.

So Im sure it will surprise you to learn that... I DIDNT BUY THIS BOOK. 

I have a problem. A huge problem. One that many people have. I am highly abused by FEAR. 

I saw her TED Talk. It was great, if you haven't seen it yet, omg for all that is Holy just check it here:

https://youtu.be/xMj_P_6H69g

Fear has been a constant abuser in my life. It has prevented me from doing, saying, asking, for anything. I have A LOT of people who tell me how strong I am and its such a sweet and helpful thing to say however every time I am told this, I know there are others who know this is NOT the case. 

I let a lot of people down due to my fears. More importantly, Ive let myself down waaayyyy more!

So while I did watch the ACTUAL Ted Talk and did find it inspiring, I didnt buy the book out of fear. 

I was scared that once I bought the book it would be a symbol to tell me "Ok Nat, you can't be scared anymore. You HAVE to ask for help. You HAVE to do whats in this book to better your life or else what was the point of wasting the money in purchasing it?"

So. I didnt. The cycle continues. Out of fear I don't do anything. I feel bad about it. I become depressed. I get into a funk. I get tired of being in a funk. I find inspiration and courage to do things. Some of it works, then some other obstacle or struggle gets in my way that requires courage and my fear stops me again. 

Im tired of living my life this way.

Ive made some changes. When it comes to dating (as my previous post has shown) I am no longer afraid to ask people out (at least online. Baby steps, people.) However dating is such a minuscule thing. Its not my focal point especially in the moment of my life I am in now. As much as I intend on dating more, I really am in the middle of a personal and family struggle that its the last thing on my mind.

Hence the reason I brought up "The Art of Asking".

I'm a caregiver and a nurturer. Those who know me know most of my time is taking care of others. From my mom to my uncle to my dear friends whenever I can. I either do my best to give them money when they need it, cook for them, be an ear, be whatever it is I can be. For me to ask for help,...

....it fucking sucks. It sucks on a whole bunch of levels. 

I don't feel like people should be expected to be there for you 24/7. Thats impossible even for me. 

When you take care of others, the downside is you feel like its one sided even though it ABSOLUTELY is NOT. At least not all of the time! The problem is you are so busy worrying about others you take yourself for granted and even the littlest feeling of a slight makes you feel like the most disrespected thing in the world. Like no one cares about you. Like you are just existing to help others and no one really gives a shit about your needs. 

The reality is, a lot of that isn't always true. I mean sure, there are people out there who do take advantage both consciously and subconsciously. However I am fully aware I am loved and worried about. I just don't feel it because I don't give myself the time to. 

The other problem is I hate asking people for anything to help me. When you are there for others its not the easiest thing to do. It should be! I mean hey, I help you, you help me. Seems simple enough. It doesnt always work that way though. Especially when those you help really aren't in the position to help back. 

Also we live in an extremely judgmental society. With things like GoFundeMe, Kickstarter, Indieagogo, people ask for donations and help a lot. Those who don't want to spend there money find these sites insulting and believe most people out there are lazy and should work harder to get their own money. The great thing about these sites is this.... YOU DONT HAVE TO DONATE SHIT IF YOU DONT WANT TO. Fucking move on with your life, scroll past, whatever. Say sorry can't help. Whatever. Don't be a dick about it. If you find it pathetic, thats your opinion. Others are willing to help so stfu!

Anyways...

Even when there are ways of asking for help like those sites its still a fear. A fear that I will be judged as a lazy person who doesnt want to work for her money even though I have my struggles and deal with a lot.  Being judged by strangers or acquaintances on places like FB or whatever isn't the fear. I have overcome that bs years ago. However those who know you, care about you, I don't want them to think I can't be there for them.   I don't want them to think Im not doing my best. 

I know I shouldnt care but fear is notorious for having a strong hold on people. Especially me. 

So, while money has been going ok the past few years. Due to issues that I won't go into because it will hurt people I love, its all gone. All of it. Add to the fact that I haven't been paid since August, we are broke. 

Now don't misunderstand, Im fine. We will be fine. I WILL get back on track even before Thanksgiving which is only a few weeks away. However at this moment. There is no food in my apartment. Both checking and savings are gone. (If I knew why, I would totally say however,... yeah lets not go there). Both my mother and myself went without dinner last night.  My bills need to be paid and I have nothing to pay for them.  I have been wiping the kitchen tables down with napkins cuz i ran out of paper towels. 

Its bad for the next two weeks. I dunno when my check is coming in the mail but I check all the time. Maybe I will be blessed and it finally shows up today and this can be all a bad dream! However my point in writing all of this is simple. 

I'm afraid. Im afraid to ask for help. Maybe people reading this will take this as me asking for help. Maybe it is. However I hate that I can't outright ask even though I have every fucking right to. 

Its embarrassing for me. It feels like being a mom and asking your 3 year old to help pay the bills.  Like you don't do that. I hate it. 

I should have bought Amanda's Book.  I hate the way I feel. I know it will pass and we all struggle but when you live with someone you care for and they are struggling and you just can't fix it. Its debilitating. It makes you cry. It makes you feel like a failure. Even though you know its a mix of things and not just on you. 

Don't worry guys I will post a more positive rant in a few days I promise.

Let's Talk About Tinder and Being a Plus Sized Woman, Shall We??

I said I would blog more and here I am!


So, at 40 years of age, its official. I am in fact, The 40 Year Old Virgin. Don't believe me? Check it!

Yes, I look like a special snowflake. Thanks to James Graham @JMG Photography 2015. 

Now, let's get something straight. Im 40. Im fucking adorable and YES I don't try to look ridiculous all the time.  I actually think Im pretty damn hot. See?

Thanks to my friend Stephanie Sacchi @Just Dreadful Photography 2013.

Now knowing these facts, yes there are times when I feel like Im a hideous monster. We are human beings. We know the reality of how we feel and what we look like when we just wake up in the morning, when we're drunk off our asses, and when we're sick as all hell. Yeah, we are not in prime condition 24/7. So of coursesometimes my self esteem is shot to shit. Its totally normal. 

Add to that the fact that media has waaaay too much power on getting us to like certain things and hate on others. From food, to cars, to people, to vacations, to you name it they will brainwash us into loving something or hating something. When it comes to our bodies they are dangerous! 

According to the media I am NOT what you are to find attractive. Oh hells no! You can not be overweight and happy. You can not find someone like me hot as hell and dream of having sex with me. Awesome clothing is not meant for someone like me to be worn. I am to be judged negatively, considered disgusting, and just not in your vision of beauty at all.

So, of course I do sometimes feel angry. I feel sad. Not because I don't think Im worth it. I get upset and depressed because YOU don't think Im worth it and I think you are pretty damn amazing! I have been conditioned to not ask people out. I have been scarred from past experiences. I have been conditioned to lower my expectations to what I don't want because I have no right to want what I WANT! I have been conditioned to think "Oh he/she will never want to go out with someone like me" or "Im not even in his/her radar so why bother?" 

If I ever DID bother it had been followed with things as simple as "aww sorry but i don't like you that way" to being laughed at in my face for ever thinking I had a shot. It has gone from people feeling creeped out by me to actually getting yelled at and becoming so intimidated the person ended up making me fall down a flight of stairs. He pushed me with his aggression and intimidation tactics. He told me if I ever let anyone know how I felt he would never talk to me again. After falling down the stairs I was gutted and so ashamed I abided because I didnt want to lose his friendship. I felt so pathetic. Thats high school for ya! 

In college a guy I had feelings for moved to England and I had his friends tease me and say he left to get away from me. I refused to ever put myself in the situation of asking someone out again. 

So yeah 40 years old and still a virgin. Am I embarrassed? No! I mean do I want to get rid of it? Hell yeah but after years of feeling bad about it, I just want to have fun with life instead of worrying about it. 

But yes, at 40 years old I decided, ok lets have that fun I was talking about!

So yes folks, I joined.... TINDER!!!

We'll let me tell all you mother fuckers out there some of what I learned:...

1. YOU CANT HIDE NOW! YOU PROVED IT! YOU ALL PROVED IT! YOU WANT ME. I AM ATTRACTIVE! I AM HOT! YOU WANNA FUCK THE HELL OUT OF ME! and as you should cuz Im so worth it....

2. You all live in fear. You are so terrified of what society will say to you should they know what you REALLY feel.

3. Tinder is such a great self esteem booster. All you gotta do is say yes or nope to a pic, if you say yes and that person said yes to your pic, THERES A MATCH!!! Men and women who society have deemed extremely attractive actually find me attractive too and even if I never plan on hooking up with these people, just knowing the truth. Just knowing that I am attractive to someone reminds me that Im right. The problem isn't me. The problem is all of you who are too scared to admit you don't care how fat I am. You still think Im beautiful. You just have an issue admitting what you really feel. 

I get it though. I really do. Media has too much power over our society. You are terrified because they deemed anyone who finds us attractive fetish seekers because its not "normal" to find someone who is overweight attractive. 

I have spoken to some on Tinder and yes, Im not an idiot. I know damn well most are on there for a fuck or two and no serious relationships. I don't care. If you want that interaction with me its still obvious you find me attractive. I haven't hooked up with anyone because guys, Im sorry, y'all have no game! Work on your flirting. You're dick is thinking for you too much in those moments. As for the ladies, ok seriously what the fuck is wrong with you?!?!? Come on! TALK DAMMIT!! How are we supposed to meet and get together if all you do is "like" me but there is no fucking follow through on your part. We ladies have to at least not play hard to get with each other! Im making the first step of talking. You all don't respond. Get over yourselves. Im not wasting my damn TIME!!!......

....anyways....

So now at 40 years of age, Im getting my bravery back. 

Any of you out there, who feel like you aren't worthy! Stop! You are! There are loads of people who do want you. Remind yourself, YOU aren't the one with the problem. THEY are. 

You all who won't ask me out or admit to wanting to date me in real life (i.e. outside of fucking Tinder) You need to work on your bravery. I am. I know Im worthy of your love and attention. Its a fucking shame you are missing out on that because of your own personal issues on that. Im a fucking great person! I cherish my friends and care about them. If I am an awesome cook. I am talented. I am so much that you would enjoy! Recognize!

Just Dreadful Photography 2013